TMS Healing Mistakes Made

After decades of feeling conflicted about my "childish" need for comfort, and even about the concept of the "inner child" -- my gut believed, my head said pah, phooey, you are strong and don't need comfort or to believe in an "inner child" -- I just realized this morning where my conflict truly lay. Doing "childish" things (like needing to sleep with stuffed animals for comfort as a child) was frowned on in our house. Babytalk was not allowed, everything was called by its "proper" name. I had recently understood, examining all this, why I felt so un-comfort-able! And had been doing the "childish" things needed to make myself comfort-able (like buying a stuffed animal, using softer blankets and clothes, etc.) But this morning a deeper thought arose...not only had my upbringing made me ashamed/conflicted about my "childish" need for comfort, but led me to reject any part of the "child" in me, even the concept of the inner CHILD. (BTW I am far beyond blaming my parents! who had good reasons from their own childhoods to raise me thus).

Thank you, Steve, your post about "trying to heal" being the biggest mistake hit me like a Zen koan and has been resounding in my brain ever since. I realized I am still spending way too much time thinking about healing, making myself anxious and tense, without being aware of it. Namaste.

 

This post is insanely helpful, bookmarked it for more reading later

 

I would add here that one of the biggest problems I'm seeing is that people are stuck in intellect and missing the point. They go from one problem to another and back into itself generating the same outcomes. The ouroboros effect, or tripping over what's already behind them. Once they understand the brain's purpose they stop trying to heal, and realize they are already healed.

 

You are so right Steve. We are already healed, it's just taking the brain sometime to decondition itself and to let go of the habit. I firmly believe that is where I'm at now. I know this is 100% TMS, but I have been so conditioned, for so long, that the brain is having a hard time letting go.

 

The main theme of BPPH is that people are not ready to heal. It seems to be the major obstacle to healing. TTom posted the list of clues on who is not ready to heal. That list holds true but at the center of the list is "readiness." I can tell some0ne everything they need to heal and it won't do any good unless they are ready. Everyone should remind themselves of the purpose of TMS if they want to move ahead. HBP is all anyone truly needs, unless they aren't ready. If they need more time and reassurance they then begin to control their own pace by seeking others means, books, techniques, therapists, and voodoo warriors. But when they finally have enough suffering and are ready to yield they heal. In between then and now is the dance of the unmet needs.

The signs they are not ready are everywhere. One sign is throwing HBP across the room, another is continually posting questions that are all easily answered in the many books on TMS. Therefore, another sign that people are not ready to heal is that they want fast and easy answers. Those who are ready pull back with great patience and begin the slower process of deeper understanding. Healing comes from seeing deeper not from doing things (to heal, not life changes).

TMS occurs for a reason, those who deeply connect with that reason all do well. Those who can't grasp the concept continue to TMS. It's stark but common, and so can be considered a mistake in healing.

 

Steve, do you have any suggestions on letting go of the attachments or wounds of relationships? I find this particularly hard because I have family of origin wounds (who doesn't!) and in my contact with them, things continue to come up for me. It's exhausting. I don't know how to let go of wanting or hoping that one day it'll be okay. I think I end up placing demands on myself about these relationships, and it's hard on me, and I'm probably generating rage and resentment against myself. But I just don't know how to "let go of the attachments" as you suggest. I very much welcome your thoughts on this.

 

People I work with commonly ask, "how do I forgive my mom...or dad?" Forgiveness is not something one person can teach another, except possibly through example. Forgiveness is a sense of personal justice that is directed by ego. However, the problem is usually in the direction of the act. Most people feel that to heal that they need to forgive this person, or repair this with that person, or do something with another. That's the wrong direction to take. Healing is all inside work. Forgive yourself first, love yourself and who you are first, and then project that onto others.

When you begin see that the other person is you--ego detachment--then it becomes easier to forgive.

 

That's a really great explanation of forgiveness, and one I can get behind. It makes so much sense to start with one's self, and as that spills over, you can then address whatever is happening with the other person, and see where that takes you and your ego, as you say. I can relate to seeing the other person as me because I have a lot of empathy and compassion when others suffer. But I don't yet see myself in my parents when they hurt me, and that must be because I need to do inside work as you suggest. Thank you so much for this Steve. It is super helpful.

 

I think we have to stick it on our fridge because it seems all comes back to that : GET A LIFE

 

Steve your quote on attachment or attachment disorder really got me thinking. I've recently found out that my mother was hospitalized due to some mental issues when I was a baby and I'm not sure who really took care of me as an infant as my father worked. As a baby I had severe allergies, asthma and eczema. So I believe I've had somebody symptoms as an infant. My parents never told me they loved me growing and never hugged us. They do now but it feels really weird when they do. When I was a adolescent to teen I would sit in a chair and rock while listening to a walkman even though it wasn't a rocking chair. I didn't want any one talking to me and if they did I would get upset. Kind of reminds me of what autistic kids do.

I suck at relationships so your post really hit me hard, in a good way. When there is no love, there is fear and fear is torment. I appreciate your posts and insight. Sounds like I've got so more thing to try and figure out.

 

I agree, this post hit me hard when I really needed it. 2scoops, I hope that you find some peace in both your experience as a youth and your future relationships. I too suffered childhood trauma (father committing suicide) and have struggled for the past five to six years with various pains/ailments that will come and go for relatively no reason at all, with the exception that I am terrible as sharing my emotions or feelings. I sometimes think that I have gotten better but inevitably I resort back to clamming up and shutting down most of my emotions. I think what Steve said about "not trying to be healed" and focusing on why we are experiencing these feelings/setbacks is the key. It's extremely frustrating but is ultimately the only way to better ourselves.

Best of luck, my friend.