Victim Mentality

After months of online TMS coaching, meditation, journaling, and counseling, I am still suffering. I can no longer work to support my family, nor do any activities that I enjoy.

I wish I had better news to report, but I am getting to the point of considering opiates. It really hurts to admit failure, but I’ve been dealing with chronic pain for 23 years. I learned about Dr Sarno 20 years ago! I honestly believe in this stuff!

I’m 47 yo and have had friends die of strokes and heart attacks. At some point I have to start thinking about quality of life that I have left with family.

 

Hi map76, I'm sorry to read about your hardships. However, please know that having to take meds is not, and never will be a failure. There are several veterans on this site that have talked about this. Sometimes we just need to be gentle with ourselves and get some external help so the pain can subside enough for the mind to calm down. And imo 47 yo is still young.

I know you've been in pain for a very long time and I understand your despair, but when I read you message I get the feeling that you didn't try enough : you tried too hard. I'm a lot like you, I'm a goal-driven person and a perfectionist and sometimes I hate myself for not being completely out of the symptom imperative loop, like I need to be perfect and to inspire other people and be this awesome success story. But of course it doesn't work, because it's still trying for something. Total acceptance of what is now is the gateway to really getting better. I'm not there yet, but I've had moments I got it and it was wonderful. So I'd say, if you need meds to get through the days, take them. It doesn't have to be forever and it doesn't make you less than.

 

I have so much sympathy for you. I can imagine how you must be feeling. I have been on this journey for some years and I know how hard it is to keep going. I totally agree with Ludmilla - I think you are trying too hard with an energy of desperation. I totally understand that (I would be the same), but I think you are getting in your own way because of it. I would suggest trying to do just one thing at a time (baby steps) as has been suggested earlier. I also think you need A LOT of self-compassion. I believe you are still seeing a TMS coach, so I don't want to contradict their advice, but if I were you I would just work on mindful self-compassion as a starting point. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer have a workbook called "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook", which you can work through. It did wonders for me at one point when I needed it.
I agree with Ludmilla that if you need to take medications to support you at this difficult time, you don't need to feel like a failure. If you do take medication, think of it as a temporary support mechanism, which you aim to get off again when you are feeling stronger. Though I agree that there is a worry of addiction with opiates, so I suppose you would need to be careful (I do not have much information about how best to use them to reduce the risk of addiction. I assume your doctor can advise).
But really, take the pressure off yourself a bit. Don't try to do so many things. 1-2 things at a time.
Wishing you the best of luck.

 

Tamara, I just saw this post and wanted to tell you that I read your book and it's wonderful! Such great advice with so much hope for those of us who are on the long route to recovery, especially. Thank you for writing it and sharing your experiences and wisdom! Great that you are still on this forum.

 

Thank you so much! Knowing that people find it helpful makes all of my effort worthwhile!

 

If you truly believe in this stuff, there is nothing wrong about using meds, as long as you clearly understand that it is a temporary measure, to help you take your mind away from relentless pain and get a break. But then to come back and finish the work - you already got some great advice on this thread on how to proceed.

 

I really appreciate the support here, but I’m going to vent a bit. It seems like anytime things aren’t going well:

1. You aren’t doing the work (journaling, etc)
2. You’re doing too much work. You need to take a break and relax.
3. You haven’t fully accepted the TMS diagnosis
4. Stop thinking about TMS. Go out and live.

Good grief! Lol This shit didn’t seem like it was going to be so complicated!

 

@map76, I am a big fan of the Hidden Brain podcast. So much of this last episode resonates with what is being discussed here. Check it out, maybe it is going to help. As for your last point, changing the way your brain operates is very, very hard. A lot of times, not giving yourself credit for a small success is a killer of the ultimate success.

https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/learning-from-your-mistakes/ (Learning From Your Mistakes | Hidden Brain Media)

 

@TG957 thank you for that. It resonated. As a father, spouse, HR professional, musician, and golfer, I feel unfulfilled because I hide from my failures, rather than learn from them.

TMS adds to it…confirmation that I am broken, and less than.

 

"Failure" is a very harsh word. It has a terminal connotation. "Mistake" gives you an opportunity to reflect, learn and do better next time. It also liberates you from a very damaging self-image of a superhuman. Lack of self-compassion alone could be a cause of TMS.

 

To add to what TG957 wrote, the phrases “my failures” and being “less than” stood out to me, too. They called to mind what Dr. Sarno said about perfectionism and goodism and made me wonder if those phrases are a product of perfectionism run amok. That is what I am going to talk about.

A year after Sarno retired, he provided a short Foreword to a book written by two psychologists who worked in his clinic, namely, Frances Sommer Anderson & Eric Sherman, Pathways to Pain Relief (2013). As far as I know, that piece is the last thing he published. Given the need for a foreword to be brief (since it is intended merely to introduce the book), I think Sarno undertook to distill his views on TMS to what he regarded as the core essentials. He said nothing in the Foreword that is brand new, but I think his decision about what to emphasize is noteworthy.

He focused on the unconscious reservoir of rage. He said childhood is the first contributor to that, and “in fact, the influence of childhood emotional experiences is probably responsible for the majority of the rage . . . .” He quickly passed over egregious physical, sexual, and emotional abuse (the main things that raise a person's ACEs test score) and wrote: “I have found, however, that what might be called subtle emotional abuse is virtually universal in previous generations. It was my personal experience. Instead of unconditional love and total acceptance, we learned to conduct ourselves within behavioral parameters set forth by our parents, either explicitly or by implication. Examples: One must be good all the time; anger is not allowed, one must please mommy and daddy; children should be seen and not heard; you’d better be good or I will tell your father; the constant threat of punishment.”

Sarno then explained that after perhaps some teenage rebellion, “we become compliant adults, who need to prove ourselves all the time by performing perfectly and by being ‘very good people.’ I have dubbed these tendencies ‘the perfect and the good.’ They are universal in the people I have worked with over the years. Without realizing it, we live our lives conforming to what we think is expected of us. This has very little to do with achievements, success in careers, and the like, but has everything to do with our personal lives and how we feel as we go through life.”

Sarno said further contributions to the unconscious reservoir of rage accumulate “throughout life due to the pressures we put on ourselves to be perfect and good.” He wrote that since the stressful things that happen as we go through life “are the only pressures we are aware of, it is natural to conclude that they are the sole reason for the imposition of physical symptoms when, in fact, they are only the last straw (more appropriately, the last brick).” In a 2011 interview, Sarno said that in an effort to be perfect or good, “something in the unconscious--an inner child--is made very very angry. I think that’s probably the major dynamic I deal with.” (I added all the bolding.)

Finally, in The Mindbody Description, Sarno included a short discussion under the heading What You Don’t Need to Do to Get Better. He wrote that what is in the reservoir of rage “is repressed, we do not feel it and, therefore, we cannot deal with it. Nor is it possible for us to change our personalities and stop trying to be perfect and good.” So what can we do? “If we are aware that we possess these traits we can modify our behavior and lessen whatever negative effects they have on us . . . ."