Why are new parents depressed?

Blake, I just read your post. It's good to meet someone with a similar experience and reaction. I've always felt unique in that respect, not in a good way. I have no really positive memories either except maybe fried chicken on Sundays if my father was home (meals were invariably hell but my mother cooked great fried chicken, I'll say that for her). I do think that my parents tried to be good parents in their own bizarre way. They just had no idea how to go about it. The fact that they were both alcoholics didn't help a bit. Also, they were disconnected only children so neither had a clue about how to get along with other human beings. Narcissistic, for sure, but neither was openly psychotic. That's definitely a plus.

Sounds to me like you and Birdie had a worse experience that I did. I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I could take all the wounded children in the world and give them a happy home. A friend whose parents were mad as hatters once told me the best time of her childhood was a year she spent in a children's home. She said the staff were too busy to pay much attention but they did ensure there was no abuse and, she said, "We had each other." That pretty much describes this forum.

 

Thank you, njoy. Your words are comforting.

I have such a craving in my heart for motherly love. It's hard for me to feel that neediness and even harder for me to let people in at times. But when I do, I have found that my pain will often spontaneously disappear - further proof for me that this is tms. I'm learning to open myself up on this forum and am seeing positive changes already.

Maybe at some point I'll be able to make peace with all of this.

 

blake, you have identified your need as motherly love because, tragically, you missed that stage and are still seeking its fulfillment. Have you done some of the inner work that identifies an loving mother within who will nurture you inner child? I found that very helpful 30 years ago and continue .

Even those who bonded with a secure and loving mother eventually have to move on to find their own inner resources. Perhaps love convinces us that we are worthy but it can't do the rest of the work for us. Inner child work might be a bit old fashioned these days but I still find it useful. An associated Jungian idea of balancing the inner feminine and the inner masculine. I am a big fan of Marion Woodman who is a Jungian analyst with many books and a few dvds that explore both with emphasis on the feminine. I found her very comforting. Listening to her gives me an idea of what a loving mother might be--a whole human being. Marion is very elderly now but her work will live on. If you go to youtube.com you'll find lots of interviews with her. This one might be a good place to start:



Don't worry if it seems "deep" because it truly is. I also have several of her books but my favorite of her work is a dvd called "Dancing in the Flames".

I wonder if it might be possible to make the peace you are seeking by going straight to the Source which can only be found inside much as we are determined to find it outside ourselves.

 

I am very touched by your family stories (Birdie, njoy and Blake). Mine was not that dramatic. Only a mother who was overwhelmed with 7 kids and had depression and a lot of anger (about having to cope with all that) which we all suffered under.
Everything "had" to be done and there was not much pleasure in daily life and emotions had not be shown. What I often wondered is why this has developped into TMS with me whereas my siblings seem to be doing ok. My sisters have very low
self worth like myself though. A lot of families at that time had many children, overworked parents, were poor, had abusive teachers etc. That was quite common. They did not all become TMSer i guess.
I guess some people (like me) are just more disposed or over sensitive. I am doing a lot of thinking at the moment about how my personalitiy might have affected my kids. I did not have ANY insight into my problems at that time.
I know it is useless to start blaming myself. I am a bit down because our 12 year old cat has cancer and we will loose her soon. It is the most lovely, patent and nice cat we have ever had (and we have had a few). We knew this day would
come but still..
Thanks for listening

 

I only have a brief moment but wanted to chime back in. We're in OH, getting ready to leave behind my first born who will live here. Tomorrow I meet with Dr. Schubiner so phew…talk about some emotional times!

Anyhoo. I think all you folks here are awesome.

And Birdie…no words for you…just a hug and warmest thoughts.

Love to you all,
NS

 

Wow, just finished watching the Marian woodman interview. What a soothing, lady! She reminds me of the therapist I had when I was a young adult. She too was a Jungian, and unbeknownst to me, we also did parts therapy together. This is a side of me I cut off when I got married, because I wanted to be "normal" and do away with all this childhood "stuff". Turns out that was a bad idea since that's when the depression started and when that stopped, the neck pain started.

I know I am on the right track with this, because as soon as I started to reconnect with that inner child, my pain went away completely. This is actually pretty huge for me. Still processing it all.

so grateful for your comments, enjoy, and for everyone's empathy.
Have a great day, all. Sending lots of positive energy to everyone!

 

I took the smart way out and did not have any children, nor would I ever marry anyone with young children. I really can't imagine anything worse than being a parent. When I was young, I used to babysit all the time when I was not in school. Although I was very good with kids, I had had quite enough by the time I became an adult.

 

Chickenbone, it seems that wherever women, as a group, have options they choose to have fewer children (or none). I actually had some very good times raising my kids. Until they were about 15 years old I thought they were great kids and I also thought I was, though imperfect, a lot better at parenting than my parents had been. So, progress! I also thought I was doing the world some good by raising kids who would contribute. Now (30 years later) I'm not so sure about any of this but the deed is done. All things considered, I'm glad it happened (being a mother) but, like you, I would not have chosen it. Fact is, age 20, I had no ability to remember to regularly take a birth control pill. Now, it would be no problem but then, not a chance. So I guess I've learned something in this life.

Best of luck, North Star!

Glad you liked Marion Woodman, blake. I think she's a hoot.

sybilia, you said, "A lot of families at that time had many children, overworked parents, were poor, had abusive teachers etc. That was quite common." You are right but I think it's still happening, especially the poor and overworked parents part even if they only have one or two children. I remember that in 1964 (I was still a teenager), I earned one dollar an hour. Pathetic right? Well, that dollar would buy me a pack of cigarettes, a burger and fries, and a movie ticket! The equivalent today would cost (where I live) about $ 28. Of course, not everything was that cheap but most necessities were very affordable so wages were, in effect, higher. We sometimes think we are better off now but many young people are really struggling.

I was so sorry to hear about your kitty. Please be kind to yourself. Here's a bear hug.