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Oh, how I relate to your thought process you described. However I will challenge your notion that it is just anxiety at play. There are elements of OCD in the manner of repetitive and ritualistic catastrophizing. Some people with TMS only catastrophize (or recognize) about symptoms. Others have What Hanscom calls Persistent Negative Thoughts which he has found challenging in patients, but I saw him comment in past interviews that he was writing a book about. I find Claire Weekes methods work well for not believing these thoughts most of the time but the methods don’t generalize well in a world that seems constantly on the brink of *whatever*. However it’s simply the mind trying to convince yourself you can’t handle the load, but your story proves that you can.
Look at the pure shitstorm you’ve been through and what I am sure is a desperation to get to the other side of it all. Desperation breeds striving (another TMS attribute) and that is so much self pressure.
You mentioned above about confusion and where to start. You know, you don’t HAVE to start where everyone says you “must”. One thing I’ve learned about many in the TMS world is that they think there is I only one path, one way -which is the way they found worked for them. However if you listen to or read about success stories (not just here but there are many other books) there are so many various ways.
Start where you can. I suggest you start with the despiration, adding in a bit of the confusion. And where you are at, it’s ok look at doing things more frequently for awhile but I’d suggest making the bulk of that work things that calm the nervous system.
I started this work with a year mostly bed bound. So there were hours of meditation or simply listening to “zen” music ) while doing calming things (counting breath is calming for me). The emotional and mental work brought distressing anxiety and overwhelm, but listening to gentle fiction (my library has a free app so I can listen on my phone) brought the ability to see many things in the characters that were mind/body related, helped me experience emotion through characters… and escape a bit. Start with learning it’s ok to focus on you and to treat yourself with the care you offered others. To reassure yourself you are on the right path.
My early journaling looked at why I was worthy of this work. I made lists of goals (not all ended up being desires to be fulfilled) - both physical challenges and personal, I made a list of my immediate support network (including people on this wiki and the wiki.. however I was 1st on the list), and also a list of people who supported me but did not understand TMS. I just needed to feel like I could start somewhere. These helped immensely and I’ve referred to them and even removed people from the list (and my life, in a difficult but positive way).
My mom is also at the end of her lifespan in her late 90’s and is a challenging person in some respects. It has been difficult but I put myself first. I was trained to put her first, but that had to change.
Your mind is going to constantly think world destruction is easier than thinking you can do hard things. It’s a lie because you’ve got such resilience.