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Thank you, MorComm, for bumping this post and for that great example of this phenomenon that so many of us struggle with. My story is a bit different in that I was always allowed and encouraged to express my emotions. I did still end up with issues related to my father, but that was more related to his tendency to be critical and to show his love by suggesting ways in which I need to change, leading this goodist to develop a lifelong habit of pulling the rug out from under myself.

I really liked this post because I see a tremendous number of people who are struggling with questions like these. They want to know, what sort of work do they need to do? Do they need to dig up a traumatic and repressed experience from childhood? Do they need to change the way that they think, act or feel in the present? They may know many techniques for journaling, but what is the goal that they should be trying to achieve by writing?

Steves answers to these questions really resonate with my experience and what I've seen by reading many posts on the forum. Of course, I 100% agree with the following:

Different things work for different people, and one thing that I think works tremendously well in a TMS forum is that the TMSer is in control and can pursue what they 'know inside is wrong.' I'm just going to write about what works for me and what resonates with me.

That being said, when I think of digging up some deep, scary repressed experience and reexperiencing it, that rings a little bit hollow to me. I'd agree that this might work for some people (such as Helen in MBP). However, I like, much more, the idea of looking for ways of relating with the world that started with (possibly maladaptive) reactions from childhood, like what I think Steve is describing.

For example, as I mentioned above, I have a habit of being very self-critical and pulling the rug out from underneath myself. For example, I'm always looking for what might be wrong with the way that I am handling myself (and, unfortunately, I can sometimes turn that critical lense towards others I love). This is a habit of relating with the world that, I think, started very young in my life, and that I still find myself correcting today. Similarly, the habit that started early in MorComm's life, if I understand it correctly, was repressing emotions and trying to be safe and perfect.

Looking at patterns like these, which 'got us away from the lion' early on has been really productive for me. I encourage anyone else reading this to look for their own patterns as well. One question to guide this, which I got from the two webinars we did with Alan Gordon is to ask yourself whether you are being kind to yourself. If not, why not? Where did the tendency to be cruel to yourself start? So much can be learned from that simple question!

This whole way of thinking reminds me of an approach I read about called Schema Therapy. Here's brief summary of it, cobbled together from the Wikipedia article, in case anyone else is interested:

The main theoretical concepts in Schema Therapy are Early Maladaptive Schemas (or just "schemas"), Coping Styles, Modes, and basic emotional needs. (Young, 2003, p. 7, 9, 32, 37)​

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Schemas are self-defeating life patterns of perception, emotion, and physical sensation. (Young, 2003, p. 6) For instance, an Abandonment schema could have a person be hypersensitive (have an "emotional button") to perceiving valued others as being prone to leaving them and could make them therefore feel sad and panicky in those relationships.​

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Coping styles are our behavioral responses to the schemas in hopes of making things better, but in fact they very often wind up reinforcing the schema. (Young, 2003, p. 32) Continuing the Abandonment example, having over-perceived possibilities of abandonment in a relationship and feeling sad and panicky, someone with an avoidance coping style might then behave in ways to limit the closeness in the relationship in order to try to protect themselves from being abandoned. The resulting loneliness or even actual loss of the relationship could easily reinforce the person's Abandonment schema.​

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Modes are mind states that we can shift into quickly or more stably that cluster schemas and coping styles into a temporary "way of being." (Young, 2003, p. 37) For example, a Vulnerable Child Mode might be a state of mind encompassing schemas of Abandonment, Defectiveness, Mistrust/Abuse and a coping style of Surrendering (to the schemas).​

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If basic emotional needs are not met in childhood, schemas, coping styles, and modes can result. (Young, 2003, p. 9) Some basic needs that have been identified are: connection, mutuality, reciprocity, flow, and autonomy. (Young, 2003, p. 9) For example, a child with unmet needs around connection, say from parental loss to death, divorce, or addiction, might develop an Abandonment schema.​

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The goal of Schema Therapy is to help patients get their core emotional needs met. Key steps in accomplishing this involve learning how to:​

• Stop using maladaptive coping styles and modes that block contact with feelings
• Heal schemas and vulnerable modes through getting needs met in and outside of the therapeutic relationship
• Incorporate reasonable limits for angry, impulsive or overcompensating schemas and modes
• Fight punitive, overly critical or demanding schemas and modes
• Build healthy schemas and modes

Some distinctive techniques in Schema Therapy are Limited Reparenting and Gestalt psychodrama techniques, such as imagery re-scripting and empty chair dialogues. See Technique section below.​

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There is a growing literature of outcome studies on Schema Therapy, where Schema Therapy has shown impressive results. See the Outcomes Studies section below for further detail.​

Clearly, different things work for different people, but I've always found the idea of a "self-perpetuating schema" to be interesting and compelling.

The Wikipedia article continues as follows. Do you see any of these schemas in yourself or in the people around you?

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Some of the identified Schema modes of which patients and clients are educated about via therapy are as follows​

• Angry child - This mode is fueled mainly by feelings of victimization or bitterness, leading towards negativity, pessimism, jealousy, rage, and so forth. While experiencing this schema mode, a patient may have urges to yell, scream, throw/break things, or possibly even self-injury/harming others. The "angry child" is enraged, anxious, frustrated, self-doubting, feels unsupported in ideas, and vulnerable.
• Impulsive Child - This is the mode where anything goes. Theoretically if an individual is having an "identity crisis" or moments of depersonalization this mode might come into play. Behaviors of the "impulsive child" may include: reckless driving, substance abuse, cutting oneself, suicidal thoughts, gambling, or fits of rage, such as punching a wall when "triggered" or laying blame of circumstantial difficulties upon innocent people. Unsafe sex, rash decisions to run away from a situation without resolution, tantrums perceived by peers as infantile, and so forth are a mere few of the behaviors of which an "impulsive child" might display. "Impulsive Child" is the rebellious and careless schema mode and can lead to conscious suicidal thoughts if not stopped.
• Detached Protector - This schema mode is based in escape. Individuals in "detached protector" withdraw, dissociate, alienate, or hide in some way. This may be triggered by numerous stress factors or feelings of being overwhelmed. The lack of coping skills when a person is in a life situation involving high-demand or a chain of thoughts/emotions revolving obsessively often can trigger "detached protector." Stated simply, the patient becomes numb in order to protect oneself from the harm or stress of that which they fear is to come/fear of the unknown in general. Mistrust is often a culprit in "triggering" such fears.
• Abandoned Child - The "abandoned child" is a schema mode in which a person may feel defective in some way, thrown aside, unloved, obviously alone, or may be in a "me against the world" mindset. Feeling as though peers, friends, family, and even the entire world have abandoned a person are the things which live within this schema mode. Behaviors of individuals stuck in "abandoned child" include, but are not limited to: falling into major depression, pessimism, feeling unwanted, inferiority complexes arising, feeling unworthy of love, and personality traits perceived as unchangeable flaws are the ways of the "abandoned child." In this mode suicidal idealization, suicidal tendencies, hypersensitivity to criticism/compliments, stubbornness, avoidable behavior, and the "why bother?" attitude all make up "abandoned child."
• Punitive Parent - The Punitive Parent schema mode is identified by beliefs of a patient that they should be harshly punished perhaps due to feeling "defective", or making a simple mistake. They may feel that they should be punished for even existing when "punitive parent" takes over the psyche. Sadness, anger, impatience, and judgmental natures come out in "punitive parent" and are directed to the patient and from the patient. Even a small and solvable issue or unrealistic perfectionist expectations and "black and white thinking" all bring forth the "punitive parent." The "punitive parent" has great difficulty in forgiving oneself even under average circumstances in which anyone could fall short of their standards. The "Punitive Parent" does not wish to allow for human error or imperfection, thus punishment is what this mode seeks and what it desires.
• Healthy Adult - The "Healthy Adult" schema mode is what Schema Therapy strives to help a patient achieve as the long-lasting state of well-being. The "healthy adult" is good with decision making, nurturing, comforting, ambitious, sets limits and boundaries, forms healthy relationships, takes on all responsibility, sees things through, and enjoys/partakes in enjoyable adult activities and interests with boundaries enforced, takes care of his/her physical health as well, is rational, a problem-solver, someone who thinks before acting, someone aware of their self worth, well-balanced mentally, emotionally, and physically. The "healthy adult" is grown up and loves his/herself. In this schema mode the person focuses on the present day with hope and strives towards the best tomorrow possible. The "healthy adult" forgives the past, no longer sees oneself as a victim (but as a survivor), and expresses all emotions in ways which are healthy and cause no harm.